Codependency Awareness Is “The Fix”

What does codependency mean to you? Every time I heard the words mentioned I thought they meant that you were in a bad or abusive relationship, and/or that you could not bear to live without the other person, you were dependent on them.

One quote I found “Signs of codependency include excessive caretaking, controlling, and preoccupation with people and things outside ourselves,” says Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.

Yep, I can totally see myself having exhibited all these behaviors throughout my lifetime. As a teen in relationships, I wanted to be sure the other person was happy, their needs were met and always checking in to see how were they feeling in that moment, were they ok? Listening for the tone in their voice or the look on their face to give me a clue.

Any time anyone around me complained of feeling tired, having a headache or not feeling well in general I enquired “have you had enough water or eaten today?”

When I was in high school, I felt like I was doing the right thing by letting a nice guy know that his girlfriend (a friend of mine) was cheating on them. He deserved to know. He was the best guy out there and did not deserve to be treated that way. But what kind of person was I to tell on my own friend?

It did not truly come to my attention that I had a “problem” until about 7 years ago, enter the family used car business (once again my biggest teacher.) Running a car business, I was interacting with a whole new group of people I could help or fix.

The people who came to buy a car but did not meet our qualifications, I aways wanted to find a way to bend the rules, go against our policies to get them into a car. Almost every time this came back to bite me. They defaulted, did not take care of the vehicle. Every time a customer walked into the office with a complaint about their lives or those around them, their physical ailments, I would stop what I was doing and sit down and listen to them go on and on, wanting to be a “good/caring person.”

Over time I realized how much personal energy it was taking for me to try and help so many who did not want or know how to help themselves, trying to solve other people’s problems when they are not asking, is exhausting. Over time I stopped over giving at work. When someone came in, sat down and started complaining, I listened for a few minutes then went back to work. I upheld our credit policies, and as I cleaned up my own energy, fewer and fewer people came to our offices to complain about their lives, the customers who came in to buy knew our qualifications, met them and had the documents needed to get the paperwork done. The personal connections I had with customers were genuine and reciprocal.

Today

When a friend tells me that a friend’s husband is rumored to be cheating on them and they are splitting I am slightly intrigued (I am not perfect.) This pulls at my heart strings, I think to reach out and see if the wife needs anything, to be a good/nice person. But unlike in the past, I stay in my lane, this is not my business. She has friends and family and if she needed me, she has my number. This can be hard, the people pleaser and the “fixer” in me thinks of reaching out. I do not.

The universe likes to make sure that we have learned our lessons by giving us opportunities to behave in the old way, let’s call them “tests” to make sure we are different. Recently I found myself in the middle of situation where a man and woman both confided in me about their relationship, I was immediately taken back to the past. Noticing that I was “in the middle”, I mostly just listened, I knew this time I had a chance to do it differently, not get involved and share my opinions. I just listened, when asked to share some insight, my response was clean, I did not reveal anything the other had told me. I was scared, both people matter to me.

As I have come to realize, my codependent behavior was not helping me or others. Now see when test situations arise and I chose to be different, when I give advice now it is most likely solicited, again I am not perfect. When I sit to chat with someone, they are a part of my life not someone I think I can or should “fix.” I no longer have space in my life for nonreciprocal relationships. Now, I know that I am a good person and I do not have to prove it to myself in non-serving ways. But damn I would still like to help everyone!!!! (and I will if they ask)