You Belong Here
I’m not sure about you but all through middle school and high school and maybe until I was like 25…..I did not feel like I fit in or sometimes like I was not even in the room, invisible. “Everyone” else seemed to be good at something, knew where they were going in life, what they were going to be when they grew up, they were all part of the cool kid clique.
In 7th grade I was part of a group of 4 girls who hung around together. Then during the summer between 7th and 8th grade somehow, I was no longer part of this group of girls. When we all got back to school from summer break the 3 of them had stories of what they had done together, I was out in the cold. When my grandmother gave me leg warmers for Christmas, she was ahead of the times but when I wore them to school I was made fun of….I was the first.
In high school I was never allowed to have the “Reeboks with the strap” all the things that I thought would make me cool seemed to be out of reach. When I watch the video of my senior year field day, I am nowhere to be seen. I was a good high school athlete yet where was I? I really don’t know if I was hiding or just not there.
My time away at college I was homesick and unhappy, I had a small group of friends there but I missed home and my boyfriend. Back home after 2 semesters at school, my dad was less than approving. He had a new wife and she wanted to pretend that my dad did not have any children. My sister (17) and I (19) were pushed away and out of the house.
At 54 I decided to be a life coach. A few weeks ago, I held my first workshop and 3 people attended. This can be viewed through many lenses, and I do almost always choose the positive one. It was my first one a small crowd to practice on, get my words straight. But why hadn’t more people shown up? I allowed my mind and my body to just feel for the following 2 days. To feel and explore the experience and what it was bringing up for me. Teenage Lisa who did not have a place, who no one wanted to be around or spend time with. After these 2 days passed, I moved on from feeling sad or like this meant I was not good enough or people did not want to be around me. It will take time, but it will all come.
I want so badly to share with people all the things that have enriched my life and so I will keep doing just that. One workshop, one online course and each one-on-one client at a time.
THIS PARAGRAPH WAS ADDED JUST BEFORE POSTING *****A friend proofed this post for me. Her input after reading it was to share the tools that I use to move beyond this feeling. I do not know that I have any to share. Some “wounds” are ours to visit over and over again, and move through the heavy feelings more smoothly over time. They are never healed. I know that I have friends and family that love me, I am worthy of anyone’s friendship, it is just a matter of the right people coming into my life. Grace is all I can give myself each time. *******
I wish this story ended with “and now I have it all figured out and I will never question where or if I “belong” ever again, but I do not. Life throws me challenges every time I see 2 people, I would like to be friends with walking together in the neighborhood. What about me? I ask myself if I would really want to be out walking with them and maybe not? Life gifts me opportunities to see how much progress I have made from being that teenage girl.