Drawing Lines In The Sand
As I am writing this blog post I am preparing to present an in-person workshop on boundaries. What they are, why we may not have them, and how to create them in our lives. Boundaries are one of the 3 most important tools I ever learned about and then came to implement in my life. Along with my daily routines and being present, learning about and implementing boundaries has had an everlasting impact on me and my life. Although sharing my life experience of using boundaries may have been all the content I needed for my workshop, I started doing additional research on the topic and asking others how they feel about boundaries. What words come to mind, what feelings come up, when up they hear the word “boundary”, how do they feel when others do not respect their boundaries, etc? The responses were angry, caged in, not respected, and “emotionally exhausted.” My daughter’s response was “I don’t know that I feel boundaries.” (do I need to worry about her or is that good?)
When I was around my daughter’s age (27+) I was a mother to a toddler and a working mom who was saying yes to everyone and everything. Every day I felt like I was not being heard or respected and everything in my married life was a battle. Because I wanted to be “supermom” and do and be everything, I was going way overboard when I had a birthday party for my daughter or hosted a dinner party at our house, I was doing everything myself. For some reason, I felt the need to deep clean every part of the house before people came over. I was exhausted, frustrated, and angry.
To try and relieve a little of the pressure I would speak with my husband, asking for example that there be no more shoes worn in the house to reduce the dirt on the floor. He would agree (at least that’s what I heard) but then days later, there were shoes being worn in the house. We would agree to do the dishes together after dinner (again, what I heard) and it never happened, I was always doing the dishes alone.
With friends and family, I said yes to going places or doing things when what I wanted to do was stay home. I had worked all week and needed to relax and catch up. In the summer there was an added challenge, my husband’s family had a lake home, and we would head there every weekend. Leaving Friday and arriving back home late Sunday afternoon. No matter how often I asked for us to come home early Sunday, so that I could get things done, it never happened. Arriving home Sunday as it was getting dark, we would be unpacking the car, then I would have to unpack the cooler, do laundry, and put things back together so I could go to work Monday morning.
At this point in my life (20 years later) boundaries are now part of who I am and the journey of how I got here can be kind of hard to recall but I do know that at some point in the late 90’s I was started drawing my lines in the sand. So frustrated about what I was doing to myself, I was emotionally exhausted and angry at myself and the person I was married to.
These days when I find myself facing a problem I cannot solve, I go searching for an audiobook, a podcast, or a teacher who may hold the answers that I need. Back then, it was a magazine article or a book on the topic. The book that held the answers and the permission I needed was Boundaries: When to Say Yes and How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life (Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend.) Was this possible? Could I say no to things I did not want to do? Was I going to be able to set boundaries and people would respect them? (Currently, I am listening to this very book and given its OVERT bible-based context, I am not sure I finished it. But man did have an impact.) This book changed everything for me and helped me realize that I could say no and still be a “nice” person. That was the biggest hurdle for me
in setting boundaries, I did not want to feel like I was letting people down or to have them think poorly of me.
Learning that it was “ok” to say no to commitments and yes to myself, changed everything in my life. Including eventually getting divorced. That does not have to be how it goes, we can all grow together. Nowadays boundaries look like my husband going to church on Sunday and my not feeling like a bad person when I don’t go with him and stay home to write this blog. When I go on a family vacation or a trip to Mexico with friends, I can time to myself and not feel guilty, that’s what taking care of me looks like. If I am invited to a jewelry party, I do not feel obligated to go and buy stuff just to be a “good” friend. When others say no to me or do not feel called to attend one of my workshops, I respect their decision and their boundaries.
My confirmation that I live this in real life is having my friends comment “You are very good at boundaries.” Well yes, I am…..in most situations. Of course, there are times when I say yes out of obligation. When I let people be disrespectful of my time, but we are all always a work in progress.
Be forewarned, should you decide to embark on the journey of setting boundaries in your life you may find yourself angry at first. You may be angry at yourself for not doing this sooner, you may anger quickly when people do not respect these brand-new boundaries right away. Some may like this new you with all the boundaries. You may inspire others to take control of their lives too.