“Tests” Will Keep Showing Up Until You Listen and Learn

Do you ever feel like the same events, situations, or what are known as “tests” keep showing up in your life? Like they are trying to get your attention and tell you something? Well, they really are! And unless we stop, listen and take the time to learn the lesson they will just keep showing up. In this week’s blog post I want to share how I stopped to learn, listen and grow from such a test.

To start, here is what I finally learned about myself. I am someone who commits to what she says she is going to do. Before I enter any program, agreement, or partnership, I must clearly set my expectations, convey these expectations to the other party and be sure that they are on the same page with me. This agreement may also need to be reviewed on a regular basis. This might seem “obvious” or to be a given but if something has become crystal clear to me in the last few weeks, it is that this is not a given, at least not for me. And as a reference for you, have you ever found yourself in a situation with someone and suddenly you are like “this is not what we agreed to!” And you have no idea how it happened? This happens to me way too often!!

When I was younger, I had a tit for tat attitude towards doing things for people. I did something for them, they needed to do something for me. I kind of kept score….and whether I had expressed what I expected in return or not. If they did not meet my expectation I was begrudged.

Over the course of my lifetime these tests have shown up and I never even saw the theme that was occurring until the universe turned up the volume last month and I was forced to stop and look back. What I saw were three larger events that showed me what was going on, what I needed to stop and learn. These three events have a common thread but it was not what I expected.

The first of the three events happened in June of 2021 when I join the SoberSis 21 Day Drinking Reset. A paid program to help us look at our drinking. I was finally ready to quit. The program put us into groups of say 10 women (inside of Marco Polo, a voice and video messaging app), we introduced ourselves and were encouraged to openly communicate our experiences during the 21 days. We all shared our stories, got to know each other. We shared non-alcoholic drink ideas, teas and supplements to help keep our nervous systems regulated while we quit. We were here to support each other.

Although I had quit and was not going back, within the first ten or so days, one after the other, two or three ladies just nonchalantly went out and drank, acting as if it was not a big deal. They would just try again. And this kept happening. I could not bear to be in a group with people who did not share my commitment. Within two weeks I left the group.

Event number two occurred in January of this year. I had committed to a 12-month program that I knew would be epic and life changing if it unfolded the way it was laid out. This was the first run of the program, but I had worked with the coach/facilitator in the past, so I was excited and had faith that it would be amazing.

Starting out we were given little assignments, spend 4 hours alone doing nothing and see what comes up for us and watch a short documentary type TV series. I did these things right away. The other ladies did one of the assignments or neither.

The program involved discussion and homework type assignments. These took hours to complete but were amazing and helpful. After doing the homework we were to share our thoughts, questions etc. in the Voxer group. But there was just me, doing the homework, doing what I had committed to doing, sharing in the group what was coming up. People were not doing the assignments but there was sharing and general coaching going on in the Voxer space.

After about 3 months, in which time the homework assignments stopped coming, the program seemed to have stalled due to lack of actual participation. I reached out to the coach and expressed my concerns, no one was doing the homework, I was thinking of quitting. She was going to work on it, things would get better. I was asked to hang in there. A few people came and went from the group. A few weeks later I raised my concerns again. I was asked to hang in there during the coming transition that was coming in about six weeks. In the meantime, I would receive more personal coaching in the Voxer space.

As we entered the 5th month my unhappiness was building but I had agreed to stay…. I was thinking nonstop about the messages in the group and the people who were not doing the work. I wanted to move forward, I was getting stressed, my heart rate variability (HRV)* was dipping dramatically, my sleep was suffering, I started experiencing anxiety which had been gone for over a year. My soul, mind and body were in limbo every day, it was making me very uneasy.

Then one morning I decided I was done. Although my coach wanted to have a one-on-one conversation prior to me making my final decision (2 days from then) that day I left a message in the group saying that I was leaving and told them why in the kindest and most supportive way I could. The coach was sad that I was leaving, a little upset because in the background she had been preparing to relaunch with me as part of the support team.

Once it was all said and done, I started to sleep better, my anxiety slowed down and my HRV started to recover, I was being true to myself.

About a week after leaving the previous program I got all excited and decided to make the leap into the mastermind of a coach whose coaching was based on Human Design. The mastermind, in my understanding, was going to be Human Design** based and about the New Paradigm coming in 2024 (yep way out there for those of you who are new to all of this.) I was very excited to join a group of women interested in doing the work and interacting around the common theme of Human Design.

After 3 months in the new group, I was feeling like people were not responding to what I was saying. The group did not feel welcoming in the way that I had imagined. I wanted more one on one connection with the ladies. The content and the coaching in the group was not based on Human Design.

Unlike the last situation it did not take me months to make the decision to leave the program. Once I became aware that I was not sleeping well, my HRV was in the absolute gutter and I was unhappy, I knew I had to act. For a few nights I slept on it and eventually decided that the group was not serving me. One morning I left a Voxer message to everyone in the group. I let them know that something was going on with me and my mental health, sleep anxiety etc. were suffering horribly and I needed to step away. Having said that I felt better right away. I knew that I still had 3 months left of payments in the agreement, but my mental health mattered more than anything. The coach weighed in with full support and respect for putting myself first. I also removed myself from the Voxer group that day. It was important for me to make the break right away.

This coach has a no refund policy and I respect that. We considered using the funds to move to a one-on-one coaching situation, but I had come for the mastermind not one-on-one coaching. The remaining payments would just be a loss.

When I left the group, I started to wonder what was going on that this kept happening “to me?” Did I not play well with other women? Did I not do well in groups? What is wrong with me? I was reeling and even the people I worked with noticed that something was going on. Soon it was the weekend, my husband was going to be out of town. Just the time I needed to sort this out. I cried and the crying continued for most of the next three days.

There is something known as the Sister Wound, this is “the pain, distrust, or dis-ease that many women feel when relating to other women” - Reflective Healing. As I felt into the most recent situation, I was sure that the issue must be the Sister Wound. What else could it be that kept putting me in these situations. They all involved groups of women after all!! This was it; I needed to face the wound and heal it once and for all.

To help me move past this I decided to write a blog post on this situation. Share what I learned and work through the emotions. That was three weeks ago……….This blog post has been written and rewritten many times. What I figured out is this is not about the Sister Wound or about other women at all. The situations just all happened to involve women. It became clear this was not about wounding, it was about agreements. The people and/or the coaches in the situations had not met or kept to the agreements we had entered into.

By writing I learned that I need to be super clear, from the beginning, as to what I want or expect from a situation. Do my research, have serious, clarifying conversations about what I am getting into before I make any commitment. And, once in a situation, I need to circle back frequently to what the expectations were and whether they are being met by the other party/parties and maybe even me.

Growth and change are a lifelong process. Finally, I have listened up and gotten the message, things will be done differently going forward. Will I be perfect?? Well, this morning someone did something that contradicted what we had just discussed yesterday. This will be a process of constant improvement. But I am so happy to have finally identified the cause of this recurring pain point! Going forward I enter agreements with a new approach.

*Heart Rate Variability - HRV is simply a measure of the variation in time between each heartbeat. People who have a high HRV may have greater cardiovascular fitness and may be more resilient to stress. Mine personally goes up and down based on my level of life fulfillment and the living of my purpose.

** https://www.myhumandesign.com/get-your-chart/