Why Do We Feel the Need To Use So Many Words?
How many times have you had the experience of telling a boss you quit a job, needing to cancel a commitment, end a relationship, or let an employee go? There is a difficult and/or necessary conversation to be had. Leading up to the actual moment we start to play the conversation in your heads. If you are like most people, instead of just saying what needs to be said the conversation just becomes longer and longer. We try to justify, to explain why this must happen. The reality is these conversations are best kept “short and sweet.”
This was not always how I saw it.
There were times when I had made a commitment to attend a party or an event and whether it was because I was sick, a kid was sick or I just plain decided that I no longer wanted to go rather than just saying “I am sorry I will not be attending,” I played the uncomfortable conversation in my head for days. When we spoke on the phone, I would say I was sorry, my child is sick, she has been throwing up all night, I feel terrible, and I will drop your gift off one day next week, and on and on. Sound familiar? Why are we not able to simply say we cannot or do not want to do something?
My friend is going to be leaving a company and she has been putting off the conversation for months. Although this is a business relationship and the conversation should be very cut and dry, she still feels the need to justify why she is leaving. One of the possible conversations she has been kicking around even includes her sharing a list of “if these things were different” in your business, “maybe I would have stayed.” No matter what she shares, the business isn’t going to change. She does not want them to beg her to stay. She just wants to leave. Here a simple “thank you for the opportunity to work with you. I am giving my 2 weeks’ notice” will suffice. Will they ask why? Perhaps, but a simple “we are just no longer a good fit” will suffice. The reasons behind why she is leaving do not need to be shared.
In my limited experience as a boss, I had to let an employee go. Although there had been numerous conversations about properly performing their duties, the things that mattered were not happening. Finally, I made the decision to end the relationship. In doing so I kept it short and sweet; they would no longer be working for me. Although they felt I needed to explain and give justification as to why, I did not. More words were not going to make them feel better or change my mind. Their employment had come to an end.
**When I was 26 years old, I had an experience that I would forever reference when I needed to have an uncomfortable conversation. My former stepson was 12 years old at the time, this was the age at which he could express his independence and he decided he wanted to come live with his father and me, in Ohio.
After about 6 months of being here, a more permanent decision needed to be made as to whether he would stay here or go back to living with his mom. In his time with us, his grades had dramatically improved; he had made many friends and was close to where most of his extended family lived. But understandably, his mother wanted him to return home and I believe that my stepson felt pulled to move back also.
Personally, I felt strongly that he should stay with us. In the days leading up to our family court dates, where the decisions would be made, I was gathering details, reasons, and evidence for why he should live with us long-term. Everything I would need to present our case to a judge. So many words.
When it was my turn to speak with the court, I was sure I had all the words that I needed to plead our case. As I sat in the room, answering their questions and elaborating on why he should stay here with us, it became apparent to me that my stepson had told them, very clearly, that he wanted to go home. His words were the ones that mattered, not mine.
As I am writing this article, I am in the process of finding a new place to get my hormone replacement therapy (HRT.) I am changing because there have been many personnel changes, and product supply issues, and at the end of the last 2 treatment cycles I have felt awful, and I have concerns that their product is not up to par. Although I have sent a fax to document my cancellation, I need to call them to confirm that they received it and have taken my payment off of autopay. Yet, I have been putting the call off.
Why am I putting off making the call? I really like the owner and I am afraid that if he answers the phone and I tell him I am leaving he will have questions. Maybe I’ll find out I have an implied contract for another 12 months, although I did not sign anything renewing after the first 12 months. Will he make me feel guilty? So many thoughts.
Today I will make the call. No matter who answers I will simply tell them I wish to stop coming to them for HRT. If they ask why what will I say? As I sit here, I feel uncomfortable, but my answer will be that I have decided to go somewhere else, that is it. That is all that I need to say. Is it perfect? I am not sure. I do know that I need to call, and I need to use as few words as possible. Do I owe them another chance? Should there have been another conversation? All the things that run through my head.
There is so much simplicity in this idea. The outcome is the outcome. Words do not lessen how someone is going to feel about you not coming to the party. Words are not going to change the fact that my friend is leaving the company. The time had come for me to fire my employee. My justifications did not change that the court ruled with my stepson. I am going somewhere else for my treatment.
*** As with all of my stories, this is to the best of my recollection and the “lesson” is the most important part, not exactly how I got there.