A Change in Plans: How to Lean Into the Unexpected
Back in the day, I was kind of controlling. My whole life I had been a planner, I liked people to arrive when they were supposed to, having dinner on the table when I said it would be and everyone to jump up and come to the table when I announced dinner was ready. When deciding what restaurant to go to I wanted to be one to choose, where we went did not seem to matter to others, but it did matter to me. If I/we had made plans to go somewhere or do something and plans fell through, or people cancelled at the last minute, it took me some time to recover from the disappointment. My emotions would often get the better of me, I became angry or very sad.
In 2001 my now husband (Glenn) came into my life. We met on the internet, before it was cool to meet on the internet. We lived in separate cities he near Columbus, Ohio and me near Cincinnati, Ohio a 1.5 hours’ drive away from each other. Both of us had recently finalized our divorces from our former spouses and had children from our marriages, me a 5-year-old and he had 3 kids 6, 10 and 13. You can see where the challenges began.
Although I expressed my concern about the distance Glenn continued to pursue the relationship “it will be ok” or “we will figure it out” was his thinking. My concerns were well founded, I knew myself, I needed lots of time together, physical attention and proximity to the person I cared about. My husband would later refer to me as the “Sears Tower” (had he only listened) meaning I needed lots of attention and maintenance.
As things are in the beginning of all love relationships, our relationship took priority over almost everything else in our lives. There were hours spent on the phone and tons of emails. (the days before texting) Lots of effort was made to see each other a few times a week even with the distance and the kids!!
Over time the commitment to when we would see each other next was kind of up in the air., this made me sad and emotional every time we parted ways. Frequently, when we had plans for him to come to Cincinnati for a get together with friends of mine or for him to just come down and stay the whole weekend at my house, out of the blue he would need to be home for one day or the weekend to accommodate the children’s’ change in schedules.
The people pleaser that I was, I thrived to cook and feed everyone, one night after a basketball game, I had dinner planned and ready for when they were supposed to arrive home. All the sudden there was a diversion to be made, a trip to a store, and they were not headed right home. Dinner would not be on time, again. The time they all went skiing, they had said when they would be home and assured me it would happen. Low and behold they lost one of the kids and were hours late.
There was the Christmas Day when my mother and sister journeyed from Cincinnati to our home in West Jefferson, Ohio (1.5 hrs) for dinner. My family and all his children were just sitting down to eat when his kids’ mom called. Due to a miscommunication somewhere, the kids were double booked for dinner. His children all got up and left our house to go eat at their mothers.
For months we had planned to take my daughter and his youngest son to West Virginia to go white-water rafting. The day we were leaving my husband went to pick up his son and all the sudden he did not want to go on what was to be an amazing adventure. The 3 of us went rafting even as sad, confused, and angry as we were.
This relationship tested my boundaries, my patience, and my heart.
When I am at a loss for what to do in life or face a situation I do not know how to handle, I hit the personal development section at the local Barnes and Noble; Frequently the Universe shows me a magazine article pertaining to my issue. My shelves at home are filled with self-help books and sometimes the answers are there. Many friends had dealt with mixed families, so they had some experience also. I read, I meditated, I journaled and grew, which is always my commitment to myself. It did not happen overnight.
My belief is that my husband, and all the challenges that came with him, came into my life for a reason. To help me chill out some. My reading and new skills helped me to let go of some expectations, we created a “contract” of understanding for our relationship. My biggest expansion was learning to let go of lots of control and to “go with the flow” more often. Yes, it was hard, but I also continued to have a fairly consistent source of opportunities to try out my new skills.
22 years later I believe that I am a completely different person. Not perfect, but better! These days, I make dinner when I want to eat it, if he is hungry, he eats, if not he eats when he is ready. We do many things together and many things separately. This is the relationship that has evolved over the years. As I am writing, this may sound a little lonely. Truth is, I like doing things on my own, and staying home when he goes places on his own. We have 5 grandchildren now. Sometimes we visit them together and sometimes he visits his and I visit mine alone. It can be easier that way.
This will be the first year we will really have to navigate extended families and the holidays! As much as we are looking forward to it all, there will be changes to schedules, concessions to be made, family that still lives 1.5 hours away. There are our ex-spouses that will come into the mix, changes to plans that will inevitably occur. More opportunities for me to grow and for us to continue to work together to make this all work.
“Remember that sometimes not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck.” ~Dalai Lama