Shifting Mindsets: From Compliment Deflection to Gracious Acceptance
Typically, when someone gives you a gift, it is because they think you would like or appreciate it. They have given it some thought. The same is true of a compliment; you should not react in a way that tells them you cannot accept it or that they are silly for giving it to you. Yet this is what so many of us do, and honestly, what I did for many years.
In writing this, I was completely unable to get Google to give me a list of the top things that people give compliments on.
These are the top two I receive:
• I love your hair.
• You look so nice today.
The ones I give most frequently are:
• You are so pretty.
• I love your outfit.
• Your butt looks great.
And I do not give them out unless they are true.
Many compliments are about our looks and can be hard to graciously accept because we do not want to be seen as vain or boastful. Often, they can create mild embarrassment inside, so we deflect them altogether. "I haven't washed it in days" (hair) or "I got this for $25 at Kohl's."
We all are our own worst critics, after all. "This meal was delicious," and we reply with, "I just followed the recipe."
Recently, I complimented my marketing and website design creator; done an amazing job for me, and I told him so. This was via text, so I did not see his face. Yet (and he will be reading this), it was like he just skipped over those texts, not accepting the compliment. He is amazing, and I truly appreciate him, accept the compliment already!
Pre-COVID, I decided that I wanted to stop fighting the gray hair battle. I was tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the growth, spending the money to color it every six weeks. My grandmother had fantastic gray hair, and I prayed that I had the same. Much to my hair stylists dismay, I started going in for regular cuts, but no color.
In the last few weeks, my all-gray hair has reached a length where it is noticeably longer and is attracting more attention from my husband and others; the compliments keep coming. At the yoga studio Sunday, a man said, "in case you do not hear this often enough, your hair looks great." Beaming from ear to ear, I looked him in the eye and thanked him.
Last year, I was in the local water department office, and I noticed a very pretty lady I know speaking with a gentleman she obviously knew in the hallway. As he walked away, he said, "you look really good." (I could tell he was not trying to pick her up; he was just being genuine.) She sorts of blushed and just declined the compliment; I do not remember her words. As she came closer to me, I told her she should just say "thank you." She paused, and I could see she understood what I meant.
Today, I would encourage you to take each compliment as an opportunity to check in and see what your physical response is. How does it make you feel? Uncomfortable, unworthy. There may be something you can work on to improve your self-esteem. If someone said it, it's probably true!!
And don't forget that by rejecting someone's compliment, you are rejecting the gift they are offering you. Be gracious and accept the gift, like your mom taught you.
As I continue to look at what has prompted change in me, over my lifetime, it so often comes back to a magazine article or a book I have read. This is totally true of compliments; several years ago, I read an article, like this one telling me why I should graciously accept compliments and how to do it. I started to try out this new philosophy and just said “thank you” when someone said they loved my hair, which was cute and short back then. Like my new dress, thank you.
In the beginning, this can be hard to do; it feels very uncomfortable for sure. When you get the hang of it, receiving a compliment really feels amazing. Just wait!
As a side note, I have noticed that when someone compliments you on your watch, your earrings, or even your tattoo, it is typically because they have been in the market for that very thing. They are more likely to notice that thing that is on their mind and their radar.