Breaking the Cycle: Healing the Sister Wound for Personal Growth
The Sister Wound—yes, it warrants capital letters, and I bet that 50% of you know what this means and may even resonate with the concept, while the other 50% have no idea what I mean, and it does not resonate at all. This is because while we are all similar, the experiences we are having in this lifetime are each very different.
To help, let’s start with a quick definition from The Medium Website: “…the sister wound is the pain, distrust, or dis-ease that many women feel when relating to other women. Jealousy, insecurity, cattiness, comparison, fear—these are all ways that the sister wound manifests itself in relationships with other women. Instead of viewing the other woman as a sister, we see her as an enemy, competition, or source of harm.”
Growing up, I would have said that my mother loved my middle sister (Krayl) more than me; she was her “favorite.” Then, when my youngest sister (Shannon) came along when I was 18, it felt like Shannon was being raised by a parent I had not even met. Shannon got to ride the pony at Sears, get things out of the gumball machines at the grocery store, and mom would buy her things she wanted. Me? No gumballs and no pony… These “wounds” exist between me and my actual sisters. The Sister Wound touches us in our interactions and experiences with women at large, and it has been a theme that has shown up again and again over the course of my lifetime.
Growing up, I never felt chosen as a friend; I had very few and found myself on the outside frequently. When I was seven, I can remember being on our way to school when, from the back of the bus, a girl with a very strong Texas accent said out loud, “Krayl, I like you, you’re my friend,” clearly stating that she chose my sister and not me.
As I have written about previously, last year I was part of a Mastermind (groups that offer a combination of brainstorming, education, peer accountability, and support to sharpen your business and personal skills) with about 8 other women. In these situations, I tend to be overinclusive; I want everyone to be seen and heard. I interact with others, ask questions, and genuinely care about the other women in the group. Over time, I really felt uncared about, not seen. I would ask them questions or comment on their shares, and there was almost no reciprocation. My feelings were very hurt; I did not feel like anyone cared about me at all. So, as soon as I noticed my pattern, I left the group. I do not interact that way or have expectations like this from a group of men. It is related to women; hence, the Sister Wound.
Just a few months ago, I met a lady who was versed in astrology, and as we got to know each other, I asked her to do a monthly (paid) astrological projection for me. We agreed to a 3-month, renewable commitment. I was eager the first 3 months, but then, as I started to get my footing around astrology, I needed it less, and by the 5th month, I was actually using an app instead. This person and I had also become accountability partners and formed a personal relationship outside of her reports, or so I felt. As I made the decision to go to using just the app and no longer needing her report, I feared that our friendship would go by the wayside. At the 6-month mark, I let her know I was moving to just the app, and for a week or so, things remained the same; we were texting and voice messaging each other as normal, and then I was ghosted for 3 full weeks.
After about 3 weeks of silence, I decided to reach out and make sure she was ok; it was possible that something had happened in her life. Her response was that a lot had been happening in her life. And she left it at that. A few more weeks have passed; she sent me a 40-second voice note the other day. I responded kindly, but this friendship, like so many others in my life, has come to an end. Whether it is because she is upset that I am no longer paying her or that I am not a good friend is not really the point.
We have a choice in every situation, and I chose to see this situation as an opportunity for me to recognize that I have still not healed my wound. I also am aware that no matter how much work I do around it, it may never be healed. My hope is that I get better at noticing when it arises. The thing to remember here is that this is my wound. The people who bring it out are merely cast members in my experience. It is always about us and not the other person as hard as that may be to hear.
As it does, the Universe just threw something else at me to make sure I was really working on myself. Due to very low attendance at my last workshop, I opted to cancel it the day of. About 6 people had signed up, but during the week leading up to it and even the day of, people had to cancel for very good reasons. Note here, these cancellations were not about me; it was all about their lives. But nonetheless, this threw me into a bunch of self-doubt and “nobody wants to come to my workshops (be my friend)” self-pity.
Knowing what I know, I gave my grief the time and space it needed. This involved a lot of crying and eating junk food for about 36 hours. Again, I could have made it all about the women who “let me down” or did not come because they do not like me. It is about me remembering that I am worthy all on my own.
Healing my wound may never be complete. By acknowledging it, I gave it the space it needed to move through my body, and I will keep working on it every time it shows up.
Do you feel inadequate around certain women? Ones you admire, ones you want to be like? Ones who are pretty or have a skill that you desire? Please comment below or DM me.
Don’t have any experience with this? Love to hear that too!