The Alchemy of Reactivity: Turning Emotional Triggers into Transformation
Since 2016, I've been consistently journaling. I’m not one to fill pages about my feelings or recount what happened yesterday. Instead, my journals are mostly filled with notes on the books I've read, the people I’ve interacted with, and plenty of self-criticism on how I could be better.
Looking back through these pages, I realized how one simple but profound habit transformed me from the inside out. This tool not only changed who I was as a person but also impacted my physical and mental health. I learned how to take a breath, check in with my emotions, and become less reactive—turning what could have ruined me into opportunities for growth.
While you’re reading this, I encourage you to keep a pen and paper nearby. Notice if anything I write triggers a reaction in you. Maybe you feel something when I mention the word "reactive." Does someone specific come to mind? As I share my experiences, pay attention to how you feel, and notice what “triggers” a reaction—a feeling, an emotion, a memory. What do you feel, and where do you feel it? Maybe you feel nothing and are one of those calm, Zen people I strive to be every day. Whatever comes up, write it down.
For most of my life, I was someone who reacted to everything. Waiting in line at the grocery store, dealing with bad drivers, or that time my engagement ring was sent away for repairs with no return date—I lost it on the salesclerk. Today, I can hardly believe I was so easily set off.
According to Vocabulary.com, “to be reactive is to be ready to react or respond to something else—as opposed to ready to act on one's own.” You’ve probably heard phrases like “don’t be so reactive” or “be proactive, not reactive.” It’s when things happen around you, and you respond, instead of just leaning back and observing.
Let me give you a simple example: the election last week. How did that feel in your body? Some people were incredibly reactive to the outcome—posting on social media, texting friends in outrage. That’s reactive behavior. Others, like my father, stayed calm and took a “let’s wait and see” attitude.
So, what happened in 2016? That’s when I got involved in the family Buy Here Pay Here car business. I quickly learned that unless I got my reactions under control, I was going to go insane. Nearly every day, someone would do or say something that triggered a reaction in my body, leaving me angry or thinking, “What is wrong with them?” It was exhausting, leaving me drained by the end of the day. I knew I had to change.
As I usually do, I looked for resources to help me change. I can't recall where I found it, but I learned the key was to notice when a feeling arose in my body. To take a deep breath and pause before responding. I also discovered the calming effect of essential oils, especially Rosemary, which is known to reduce anxiety. After a stressful interaction, I would take a deep breath and sniff some Rosemary. It instantly calmed me down. In reality, it wasn’t just the oil—it was the act of taking a deep, mindful breath that helped soothe my nerves.
I also developed a small ritual in the middle of our busy office. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would pause, turn my palms to the sky, and take a deep breath. Was I embarrassed at first? Yes. But over time, people understood what I was doing and why. Within moments, I would feel grounded and ready to step back into the conversation.
These days, I’m mostly in control of my emotions. I’m aware—sometimes painfully aware—of how I feel at any given moment. It took years of practice to get here, but now, when I feel a reaction rising, I pause and notice it before letting my mind run wild.
As the universe does, it gave me a test this week to see how well I’m doing with being less reactive.
I’ve been working with my life coach, Sue, on and off for the last four years. We meet on Zoom every Tuesday at 6 a.m. my time (she’s in England). This week, she texted me saying she was sick and asked to reschedule. I was disappointed but agreed to Thursday. When Thursday came, she messaged me again, saying she still wasn’t feeling well. I had my notebook ready, the Zoom link set up, and my tea brewing. We were supposed to discuss some recent interactions with my mom. Now, I had to wait another week.
I sat on the couch, feeling my mental and emotional state shift. I noticed a brief flash of anger in my chest—my emotional hotspot. These calls matter to me, and I count on Sue. My mind went, “Damn her, she always cancels.” But then I paused and checked in: “Is that really true?”
I let my mind process all the little thoughts, allowing my body to feel whatever emotions came up. And then I did what I’ve trained myself to do—I paused, took a deep breath, and checked back in. Was Sue really letting me down? No. She was sick. I was just sad we couldn’t talk because I always feel better afterward. It wasn’t abandonment; it was a passing feeling that I acknowledged and released.
Within a minute, I was okay. I texted Sue that it was fine and wished her well. I didn’t let the situation upset me. Instead, I used it as an opportunity to learn more about myself. I let my body process the feelings without turning it into a long-lived grudge or a rift in our relationship.
And with practice, this gets easier.
In every moment, we have a choice: react from a place of anger or take a moment to notice and reflect. We can choose to step into drama or use that moment as an opportunity for growth. Turning a negative emotion into something transformative is what I call alchemy.
What did you notice while reading this? Did any part of it trigger you? If you want to alchemize your reactions like I did, here’s a simple practice:
Notice what’s coming up for you—how and where you feel it in your body.
Breathe: Close your eyes, raise your hands to the sky, and take a deep breath. Maybe three, if needed.
Ask yourself if you still want to say that thing, send that message, or call that friend to vent.
Sometimes, we’re not ready to let go of our reactions. My friend Christiana, for example, has road rage that affects her blood pressure. She knows it’s a problem but isn’t ready to change. It’s a part of her identity she’s not prepared to let go of. And that’s okay. We all have areas we’re not ready to unpack.
But remember, you do have a choice in how you react to the world around you.
You can take what’s causing you pain and transform it into an opportunity to grow. That’s the essence of alchemy—turning challenges into gold.
A great resource to help you become less reactive - https://gabbybernstein.com/choose-again/