The Power of Recognition: Small Acts, Big Changes
You know how we place items at the top or bottom of a staircase, intending to take them on our next trip upstairs or downstairs? A few weeks ago, I did just that with a plastic container—no lid but sturdy enough, waiting at the bottom of the stairs. I hadn’t decided what to do with it yet, so there it sat, waiting for someone to carry it up.
Then one day, while playing with my 2-year-old granddaughter Zoe in the basement, we started heading upstairs. There was the container, still on the bottom step. Without a word, Zoe, unprompted, grabbed the slightly heavy, awkward container and lugged it upstairs. With a huff, she placed it on the top step and marched into the kitchen. I was both impressed and confused. I thanked her, and over the next few days, this moment became a story I shared with friends—and the inspiration for this post.
It got me thinking about the small, unacknowledged efforts in our lives, particularly within our relationships.
As you may know, my friend Marla and I meet weekly for accountability and to catch up. We talk about work, family, and sometimes vent about our spouses. Recently, she shared how her husband walks past things left on the stairs, or leaves his toiletries bag on the counter for days without putting it away. Sometimes, she’d walk past the items herself, waiting to see if he’d finally do something about them. But, as she admitted, it just led to frustration.
Our conversation shifted when I shared a small frustration of my own. For the past few weeks, my husband has been eating dinner and leaving the leftovers out. Every night as I headed to bed, I’d notice the food still on the counter, like it was my responsibility to clean up. One night, I finally said something. I told him, “It would be helpful if you put the food away or cleaned the kitchen.”
His response? “My heel has been hurting, and it was leg day. I did what I could, and I cleaned up most of it.” As always, I felt like no matter how or when I bring up these small complaints, his reaction is the same—he feels like he’s already doing his part.
The next morning, the tension from the night before lingered. He seemed upset, and I realized we were in a familiar pattern. When I addressed it, he replied, “You could give me a compliment for the things I do.”
Cue the wife spiral. All the things you do? If you’re a woman, you may be nodding in agreement right now. If you’re a man, you might feel like you’re doing plenty and your efforts aren’t appreciated. But hang with me.
What Marla and I, and probably many other women, want is more help around the house—simple things like putting away dishes or wiping down counters. But when I shared this with a friend, Christina, she pointed out that what my husband was asking for wasn’t just a compliment—it was acknowledgment. He wanted to know that I noticed the things he did do, not just focus on what he didn’t.
I’ve read enough books—The Surrendered Wife, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus—and worked with life coaches who’ve taught me to lean into my feminine energy and express gratitude. But it still feels strange sometimes. Saying things like, “Thank you for taking out the trash” or “I appreciate you folding the laundry” can feel silly. After all, I do so much that goes unacknowledged.
But I knew if I wanted a shift, I needed to try something different. So I made a commitment to spend the next few weeks consciously acknowledging the things my husband did. Even small acts like putting leftovers away.
At first, when I thanked him, he laughed. “I’m not laughing at you,” he said, “I’m just not sure why I’m laughing.” I wasn’t sure either, but I kept at it. A few days later, I thanked him for fixing a shelf in the basement. Again, he laughed. By now, I was starting to wonder if this was how he processed the compliments—was he touched? Embarrassed?
Then one morning, I took a deep breath, removed my AirPods, and greeted him cheerfully. As I left the room, he said, “Thank you for being cheerful.” Wow. This acknowledgment and gratitude thing works both ways.
I’ll be honest, recognizing these little efforts can feel awkward or submissive, especially when I’m juggling so much myself. But what I want—more help and a stronger relationship—is worth the discomfort. So for the next few weeks, here’s my plan:
Start the day right: When I see him for the first time, I’ll pause, breathe, and greet him positively, even if my mind is elsewhere.
Daily acknowledgment: At least once a day, I’ll acknowledge something he’s done—whether it’s taking out the trash or fixing something around the house.
As I reflected on this new approach, Zoe’s moment of lugging the container upstairs came back to me. Why would a small child even think to help like that? Maybe it’s because we acknowledge and encourage children when they do something positive. Zoe probably saw her mom carrying things up and down, maybe even getting praise for helping.
Could it be that simple? Is praise the secret to getting more help from our spouses? Catch someone doing something right, and they’ll want to do more.
I’ll keep you updated on how this goes. If you want to join me in this little experiment, reach out and let me know how it’s working for you. Let’s see if acknowledgment and small compliments can truly shift the dynamics in our relationships.